QUANTAS

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in  their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of  humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance Engineers. 

(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet  per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME  volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF  always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and get serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat  installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Why Airplanes Are Easier to Live With Then Women

• Airplanes usually kill you quickly ~ a woman takes her time.

• Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

• Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".

• Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

• Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

• Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

• Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

• Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

• Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

• Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

• Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

• Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

• Airplanes expect to be tied down.

• Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

• Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

• However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Lutheran Air is now operating from Fargo ! 

We are pleased to announce Lutran air is now operating from da Fargo airport.  Ya shure, ya betcha!  Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Nort Dakota.  Also serving Minnesota, Visconsin, and
Sout Dakota.  If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, da no-frills airline.

You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.  Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.  Meals are potluck.  Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.  All fares are by freewill offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met. 

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.  Okay den, listen up.  I'm only gonna say dis vonce.  In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.  You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat.  Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.  Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going  to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it.  Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because dey may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da coffee pot up front.  Den we'll have da hymn sing.  Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.  Hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace.  "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed.  Faddar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Fargo or purty close.

Amen